give me wings

what will it be one or two?

new loves new life

one or two ? soon we will know--girl or boy ? it doesn't matter
i am just a happy granny to be

Dreams Come True --

Dreams Come True -

don't follow where i lead you, guide me to where you know is best for me



don't give up, it is just around the next bend

Publish Post

who would have ever thought it would end up this way?

myrandomthoughts

Flash MySpace Layouts - Wix.com

**********mylifeonepictureatatime**************** i miss the happiness a little one brings

well there is a new baby one the way. as i share the news with others, i sense different reactions to the news, although few people say what i know they are thinking. i have shared my desire for a child for so long, that it hardly seems possible that i am not just wishing. and if twins are on the way i will shout to the world and i try very hard to make my dreams come true. i can't find a way to do all that but there is always hope. i have tried to speak with the utmost perfect conversations to prevent any problems like i have had in the past with my daughter, and now a new set of rules are in place. i enjoyed the visit last week with the child that i thought would bring me a sense on purpose and fill a part of my emptiness. it was the sad life he was born into that i wanted to remove him from, and i was not able to do that for him and his sister. it is bad when the parent has a child like attitude and selfishness that hurts those in the family.
i may never be the caregiver again, and i still believe my decision to sever those ties was the right choice. that doesn't make my desire to hold and love and feel that i am providing for a child's needs go away. he will always be a part of who i am, and his sister too, and his parents have changed how i think and have changed the way i will relate to other parents in the future if i would ever decide to have a child here full time with me. yes, every part of my life was affected and made me somebody different just like we all do everyday. the due date is estimated to be march 20, 2009, and i will again have the title of granny to add to my resume. thank you God for babies.

superbowl brings back memories

my oldest brother's life long dream to be the best football player ever and play in the superbowl
was never to be when his life was given a different path-one he tried so hard to get off of --the bumpy road filled with many pot holes and detours, curves and hills to climb. he sank to the lowest level that any person i have ever known has been down, and with him he drug his marriage, his parents, many close friends and even his brother and sisters. he could never accept the rejection he experienced and the rejection he perceived as a personal failure, one he could not overcome. his life ended when the game ended, when he could not play football any longer on a competitive level. he did not want to live the life with out the team, without being known for his accomplishments. his records were broken his spirit was broken he was broken, and so was his heart. when he died @ 37 years old from the effects and toll that alcohol had on his body, he was once again free from all the things that were his personal demons. he once told me how wonderful the adrenalin hush was hearing the national anthem song just before the referee's whistle for the kick to start the game. i am thinking of him today, and believing that some where he is playing his own bowl game.

just having fun with little ones

it is good to be with sofia again and have a oneyear old and listen to the words and sounds made by such innocence. today i feel better and have a desire to put it all away....the "active wear" I ordered may be use for lounging but we will see. I will try is all i can say. that is a begining

i type using no capital letters as a signature of sorts, a way to let others see my going against the grain- a rebel in my youth has carried over into what i fondly refer to as my afterlife. but i was blessed with a saint that married me when he was 23 and myself 21, and yet there is an empty void in this existence. i feel alone even when surrounded by hundreds of people and my self worth is diminishing more and more as i realize i am getting older and i can not fix everything that is wrong. i can say i am sorry and i am wrong and i was wrong with out any problem in admitting my shortcomings, but that still leaves the problems with me and some days i allow myself to become self destructive. which is where i am now. i am 48 which has no bearing on how i feel because i have felt this way since i was 30--it is not a midlife crisis. i enjoy instrumental easy listening music and country and love to sing along. i am doing this hoping that my thoughts-and the act of putting them down on paper will in someways be an avenue to relief but what i truly desire is to be on the right path to lead me home. this is who i am today....a lonely person with much to correct in my life and little inner strength and willpower to get up and do it. this is in part because i recently gave up a part of myself, a part of my life that was what i refer to as working- my job-that was causing me to be stressed to the point that everyone around me could see the effects yet i did not because i chose to be blind to the situation. now i see with open eyes and yet i miss the children that are no longer a part of my daily routine, i feel an emptiness that can not be filled with another child or books, music or busy work... my world revolves around filling my need to nurture and love an infant, and this gives me a sense of purpose. again i am married to the perfect man, and have 3 grown children which are really good people, i hope this is in part because of what i was able to contribute during their childhood and teen years, but of course by then they knew everything and didn't need or appreciate my input in their lives then or now if i risk offering my opinion or my knowledge from haven lived a harder life then they have: still they are in and out of our house, which again i do not feel is our home, just the house we live in. we moved here into my parents house when they died in 2002, so the house where my children grew up was our first little 2 bedroom palace, is where i left a part of myself. the deaths of my parents and my grandmother figure all in the same year changed me in ways i never expected - it is hard to explain without crying which i do many times-- listening to music and watching movies makes me cry very easily. i do not laugh nearly enough, and i miss my best friend. after graduating from nursing school in 1980 i worked part time and then full time plus too much overtime which took me away from those important things that as i look back on that time in my life, i see i missed so much and the little bit of money brought in has not in any way equaled what i can never get back. this is what i want my children to know about money living loving and time well spent --- these parts of a full life are worth so much more than any amount of money. trey my husband of 27 years has provided for us all and is the most giving understanding perfect man = and i don't deserve him. if my children haven't seen him for who he is and what he is then they are blind